This is the tenth in a series of posts in which I answer uncomfortable questions posed by nervous lefty readers. You can learn more about the series, read the other questions, and ask your own here.
Should men call themselves ‘feminists’? Or ‘pro-feminists’ or something else?
Fun question. Let’s start by saying that this is an issue on which feminists disagree — one of the many, many questions to which there’s no single feminist answer.
Which is, I guess, probably why you’re asking. So let’s jump in.
…
Huh. This is tougher than I was expecting. I’ve been writing and deleting ledes for a few minutes here, going back and forth between variations on “I used to fall squarely in the ‘pro-feminist’ camp, but…” and “I’m pretty much in the ‘pro-feminist camp, except…” Neither framing felt right, though, and I think I just figured out why:
I don’t think there are all that many occasions in which it’s all that necessary for men to call themselves feminist or pro-feminist.
Here’s what I’m getting at. If you’re a guy, and you’re (pro-)feminist, folks should be able to figure that out. If they’re curious, they can ask. What’s the need for a declaration?
Often it’s a way of establishing your credentials, frequently in a discussion with a feminist woman. You’re being slammed for saying or doing something a feminist took as obnoxious. You’re trying to criticize a feminist position while making it clear you’re not an enemy. You’re arguing that someone’s seeing sexism where it doesn’t exist. You’re getting piled on, or worried that you will be. So you say it:
“Look. I’m a feminist.”
And that’s not cool.
For one thing, it’s not going to work. If someone thinks you’re an anti-feminist, or being anti-feminist, saying you’re a feminist won’t change their mind. And it’s not likely to get you any slack, either — if anything, it’ll probably have the opposite effect. Because whether you intend it or not, there’s a good chance “I’m a feminist” is going to be heard as “I understand feminism better than you,” which, realistically, you probably don’t.
Because even if we say men can be feminists, we also have to say that feminism isn’t just theory. It’s something that grows out of lived experience. And a man’s (particularly a cis man’s) lived experience of sexism isn’t going to be the same as a woman’s. For starters, a woman’s lived experience of sexism is going to include a long history of men assuring her that they understand things better than she does, which … whoops, you just did.
I won’t go so far as to say that pulling the “I’m a feminist” card is an anti-feminist act, but yeah, it kind of sort of almost is.
So in that context, the answer to “Should men call themselves feminists?” is easy: No. Because it will end badly for them. But what about other contexts?
I suspect that there was probably a moment in one of my early conversations with my kids about politics that one of them asked me whether I was a feminist, and I’m sure that if that happened I said that I was. I’m pretty sure that as a guy I’ve been in conversations with other guys in which it was assumed that I was anti-feminist, and that I’ve corrected them by saying I was one myself.
So yeah, in those kinds of situations I think it’s fine. Knock yourself out. But honestly those kinds of situations just don’t come up very often.
As always, though, I’m interested in what other folks think. And if there are other contexts I’m not thinking of that anyone would like me to weigh in on, just let me know.
7 comments
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May 23, 2015 at 11:11 am
jupitaur
If you’re a man, and you’re about to use the term for yourself, stop and ask yourself why. 99 times out of 100 it will be to score points somehow. If you think it will bolster your argument, refrain.
I think it’s really really difficult for a man to be a feminist. You can agree with the concepts, but you can’t really live them. Forgive the militaristic parallel, but — you can’t be a soldier if you don’t march with the army everywhere it goes, and take fire with the rest of us, in the same way.
It’s enough if you listen to us, treat us as equal human beings, and get out of our way when you need to. You don’t get a feminist card for that. You don’t get a special card for not killing people for double-parking and not dropping anvils on people’s heads, either. It’s just part of being a good person.
May 23, 2015 at 11:23 am
Angus Johnston
A friend writes on Facebook:
“In my admittedly limited experience, men call themselves feminists to get out of jail free or to get laid. It doesn’t work in either context.”
May 23, 2015 at 12:18 pm
Jenna Siegel
i’ve seen men identifying as feminists used as a tool to get away with some really awful things, and it becomes a dangerous and toxic part of a left community. it’s essentially a more covert “not all men” and allows people to get away with some pretty heinous stuff. it also seems to always be the same guys who proclaim that they are proud feminists all over social media who don’t call out their other masculine friends for sexist behavior.
on the flip side, I could see where outside of the leftist/university bubble, vocal “male feminists” can be helpful in furthering the conversation. within our patriarchal society men are able to further the conversation in circles that are most desperate for feminist education, and if these circles have a relatable voice to discuss feminist issues with, the information is more likely to be impactful.
i think it’s really dependent on the needs of the community at the time.
May 23, 2015 at 1:13 pm
Bob Roberts
If the yes-or-no question is “are you a feminist?”, I’m not going to answer “no.” So honestly that seems pretty simple. The fact that some guys might use it to score points seems irrelevant to that. Or do we let those get define the word for us?
May 23, 2015 at 1:37 pm
Bob Roberts
Two more thoughts, then I’ll shut up. 1. Guys who use “I’m a feminist” to be jerks will learn the trick of saying “I’m pro-feminist”, so I don’t see how that helps. 2. I think we’re moving toward a gender-fluid world, where gender is how you identify, not your XX/XY, and people are Inventing new genders and new pronouns. I know we’re not there yet (hence the need for feminism) but I’d rather let conservatives do the policing of gender roles, since they seem to relish it.
May 23, 2015 at 3:55 pm
Angus Johnston
Bob, I don’t have a problem with men saying they’re feminists when someone asks — you open yourself up to the possibility of someone disagreeing with you, I guess, but as long as you can handle that, go right ahead. I’ve done it myself, as I said in the post.
Given that, I’m not sure where we’re disagreeing. I’m saying that it’s generally unproductive for men to claim the title “feminist” when arguing with women about feminism. If that’s gender policing to you, okay, but I guess I’d like to hear a little more about why.
June 1, 2015 at 12:46 pm
jupitaur
I just had someone tell me the misogynist slur he was using wasn’t misogynist because he’s a passionate feminist.
I’d say it was a coincidence if it didn’t happen to me at least once every few weeks anyway!